Today I woke up and went back asleep and woke up and went back asleep. I felt OK actually. I made breakfast and watched an episode of the Mindy Project. Just started it. Then I went to the MSB to meet with two guys running to be next year's Undergrad Society Executive. It was a mistake. I thought I was meeting with the current Executive. Not a huge waste of time - we did discuss a 50% money back for the students I represent. Not super productive either though - since that only works if they are elected.
Afterwards I met my friend Ali for a coffee at an art gallery coffee place. We caught up until his friend Sanjay - who has become my friend - joined us an hour later. He's super cute, soft-spoken and sweet. It was our first book club meeting! We discussed the Great Gatsby for around 2 hours. We had such a fruitful and thought-provoking discussion. I got super super excited at points. It was really great, and I left feeling satisfied and grateful. We picked Room for our next book club book.
I got home. Heated up lunch/dinner. Watched another episode. Felt OK.
I was supposed to meet a Bumble guy in an hour, but I cancelled. It was a date I had previously agreed to. I would only be going if I could make it a non-date, like just a coffee to meet a new person, but truthfully I don't even want to go.
For the rest of the night, I'm planning on going to Ali and Sanjay's gym class at 8 pm, studying and maybe watching some more TV/reading some more of the new book.
Overall, I feel hopeful that I'm working towards some form of empowerment.
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Day 1) Gal-entine's Day
I woke up today with a funky feeling in my belly. I sort of lounged around until the very last minute, then got up, got ready, and ran to class. Would have preferred to not have a mandatory 9 am class, but maybe it's a good thing that I had to get out of bed and out of the house.
During the tutorial, I was well engaged. My peers were doing unrelated tasks on their laptops, while mine was put away, and I was actually present in the tutorial. I mean I usually do that anyway, but still, good on me.
After tutorial, I had to rush over to Student Affairs Building to meet the Associate Dean for a Society update. On my walk over, I bumped into a classmate. He greeted me enthusiastically, and commented that I looked depressed. Fair enough. I was completely engulfed in thoughts about my most recent heartbreak... I don't love that, but I'm working on it. At the meeting, I went over the three goals I had laid out in my platform, and I summarized my accomplishments in those areas this year. I also discussed creating a platform with the new President to help ensure continuity. I finished with asking for feedback. She told me that it has been a real pleasure watching me grow into this role. She told me that when I started, I was naive and figuring things out. She says that my constituents should be proud that I'm not afraid to speak my mind, but that I do it with maturity and with thoughtfulness about the complexity of the situation. She had nothing but good things to say, actually, and in that moment I was very proud of my accomplishments this year.
Sorry it just occurred to me that this blog is more of an online journal than anything that will ever be interesting to anyone else. Unfortunately, it seems that only love, dating and sex interest people. And I'm sort of putting that stuff on the back burner for the moment, so I won't be of much interest.
Following the tutorial, I made lunch at home, and had to rush off again for a small group learning session. It was a good session. Our tutor is a badass plastic surgeon no-nonsense boss lady. And she's hilarious, so she's a pleasure to be around. I was engaged in the session.
My best med friend and I left the tutorial and walked home together. He is a sassy Lebanese guy who is smart and active - and to be quite honest internally working through his sexual orientation. We caught up on the walk home, and it was great, because I haven't seen him in a few days, and I miss him quite easily. We talked about a whole host of things, and when he was by his entrance, I told him I'm going dateless for 90 days. He thinks it's a great idea. He asked me, why what happened to the Australian guy. I had told him about that guy last week. I said nothing, but in the meantime, someone else became relevant then irrelevant, and isn't that the most ridiculous thing ever? The epitome of why I'm doing this.
I got home, and showered. I belted out Taylor Swift songs. Even when the shower was over. I put on a mini-concert, and it was sort of fun. Really fun. Then I got ready and let my house.
It's Gal-entine's Day! I met up with an old friend at Queen St Warehouse for drinks and dinner. She used to be one of my closest friends, but we had fallen out of touch about a year ago. She had tried to reach out, but I had my reasons for keeping my distance. I've decided to put them aside, in honour of Gal-entine's Day, and to go out with her. It was really great to see her again. She did make 1 or 2 comments that were reminiscent of the reasons why I was trying to keep my distance before. But that's just an aside. It's not important. Overall, it was lovely to see her. Really lovely.
She left, and my best friend Allison got there. We got more drinks and food, and we had a really great time. When she sat down and started talking about this boy and that, I realized she may be bad for me. All she ever wants to talk about is boys. I've known that about her before, but it became more obvious to me today, because I was trying not to humour it. I ultimately changed the subject really successfully. We did the 36 questions that make strangers fall in love, and it was truly wonderful to do them with your best friend instead of some random guy. So all in all I had an absolutely fantastic Valentine's day.
After my series of girl dates, Allison and I walked in the same direction - Allison to go home, and me to pick up my bike from in front of the guy's house. The guy, you know who guy. I hated being in front of his condo so much. Especially since when I asked to come by to talk, pick up my bike and drop of his shirt, he replied, I don't want to discuss anything. Feel free to get rid of the shirt. So yeah didn't feel nice being there.
Regardless, I biked home, and it was fine. I'm all ready to go to bed now.
This other guy wants to come over now. I had agreed to it, but I sort of regret it now. Wish I could say no, but I already said yes. It's not a big deal in that I know him, I'm comfortable with him, there's absolutely no chance that I would ever want to date him or that he would take up any brain space, so in that way it's all fine. It means nothing. But when I agreed to it, I was still out with my friends, and I think the idea of coming home alone was disturbing to me in some way. But once I got home, I felt absolutely fine. The aloneness feels nice. I feel safe and secure and comfortable. It's not actually being alone, it's the anticipation and fear of loneliness. Good to know. Will work on that.
---
Update:
The guy came over at like 12:30. I felt completely different than I usually do. I felt distant. I had walls up. I was not inclined to share or cuddle or anything. I was sitting in my chair when he came into my room. He laid on the bed, and told me about his day. I was objectively aware that he looked cute, and smelled good, but I felt like he was a million miles away. He called me over to the bed. He kissed me, pulled me on top, entered me, and it escalated really quickly. Forgot how big his penis was. I was done very quickly. Then I was really done. As in I didn't want to be there. He kept thrusting, and I started crying a bit. I'm cringing as I type. I got off of him, and went to the washroom to wash my face and get ready for bed. I came back and asked if we could just go to sleep. He was good about it. I went to sleep. It's blurry, but I think he left in the middle of the night, or super early in the morning. That's fine. Usually I would sleep with someone to get over someone else. This time, I just wanted to be alone. I guess I'm really into this no guys thing.
During the tutorial, I was well engaged. My peers were doing unrelated tasks on their laptops, while mine was put away, and I was actually present in the tutorial. I mean I usually do that anyway, but still, good on me.
After tutorial, I had to rush over to Student Affairs Building to meet the Associate Dean for a Society update. On my walk over, I bumped into a classmate. He greeted me enthusiastically, and commented that I looked depressed. Fair enough. I was completely engulfed in thoughts about my most recent heartbreak... I don't love that, but I'm working on it. At the meeting, I went over the three goals I had laid out in my platform, and I summarized my accomplishments in those areas this year. I also discussed creating a platform with the new President to help ensure continuity. I finished with asking for feedback. She told me that it has been a real pleasure watching me grow into this role. She told me that when I started, I was naive and figuring things out. She says that my constituents should be proud that I'm not afraid to speak my mind, but that I do it with maturity and with thoughtfulness about the complexity of the situation. She had nothing but good things to say, actually, and in that moment I was very proud of my accomplishments this year.
Sorry it just occurred to me that this blog is more of an online journal than anything that will ever be interesting to anyone else. Unfortunately, it seems that only love, dating and sex interest people. And I'm sort of putting that stuff on the back burner for the moment, so I won't be of much interest.
Following the tutorial, I made lunch at home, and had to rush off again for a small group learning session. It was a good session. Our tutor is a badass plastic surgeon no-nonsense boss lady. And she's hilarious, so she's a pleasure to be around. I was engaged in the session.
My best med friend and I left the tutorial and walked home together. He is a sassy Lebanese guy who is smart and active - and to be quite honest internally working through his sexual orientation. We caught up on the walk home, and it was great, because I haven't seen him in a few days, and I miss him quite easily. We talked about a whole host of things, and when he was by his entrance, I told him I'm going dateless for 90 days. He thinks it's a great idea. He asked me, why what happened to the Australian guy. I had told him about that guy last week. I said nothing, but in the meantime, someone else became relevant then irrelevant, and isn't that the most ridiculous thing ever? The epitome of why I'm doing this.
I got home, and showered. I belted out Taylor Swift songs. Even when the shower was over. I put on a mini-concert, and it was sort of fun. Really fun. Then I got ready and let my house.
It's Gal-entine's Day! I met up with an old friend at Queen St Warehouse for drinks and dinner. She used to be one of my closest friends, but we had fallen out of touch about a year ago. She had tried to reach out, but I had my reasons for keeping my distance. I've decided to put them aside, in honour of Gal-entine's Day, and to go out with her. It was really great to see her again. She did make 1 or 2 comments that were reminiscent of the reasons why I was trying to keep my distance before. But that's just an aside. It's not important. Overall, it was lovely to see her. Really lovely.
She left, and my best friend Allison got there. We got more drinks and food, and we had a really great time. When she sat down and started talking about this boy and that, I realized she may be bad for me. All she ever wants to talk about is boys. I've known that about her before, but it became more obvious to me today, because I was trying not to humour it. I ultimately changed the subject really successfully. We did the 36 questions that make strangers fall in love, and it was truly wonderful to do them with your best friend instead of some random guy. So all in all I had an absolutely fantastic Valentine's day.
After my series of girl dates, Allison and I walked in the same direction - Allison to go home, and me to pick up my bike from in front of the guy's house. The guy, you know who guy. I hated being in front of his condo so much. Especially since when I asked to come by to talk, pick up my bike and drop of his shirt, he replied, I don't want to discuss anything. Feel free to get rid of the shirt. So yeah didn't feel nice being there.
Regardless, I biked home, and it was fine. I'm all ready to go to bed now.
This other guy wants to come over now. I had agreed to it, but I sort of regret it now. Wish I could say no, but I already said yes. It's not a big deal in that I know him, I'm comfortable with him, there's absolutely no chance that I would ever want to date him or that he would take up any brain space, so in that way it's all fine. It means nothing. But when I agreed to it, I was still out with my friends, and I think the idea of coming home alone was disturbing to me in some way. But once I got home, I felt absolutely fine. The aloneness feels nice. I feel safe and secure and comfortable. It's not actually being alone, it's the anticipation and fear of loneliness. Good to know. Will work on that.
---
Update:
The guy came over at like 12:30. I felt completely different than I usually do. I felt distant. I had walls up. I was not inclined to share or cuddle or anything. I was sitting in my chair when he came into my room. He laid on the bed, and told me about his day. I was objectively aware that he looked cute, and smelled good, but I felt like he was a million miles away. He called me over to the bed. He kissed me, pulled me on top, entered me, and it escalated really quickly. Forgot how big his penis was. I was done very quickly. Then I was really done. As in I didn't want to be there. He kept thrusting, and I started crying a bit. I'm cringing as I type. I got off of him, and went to the washroom to wash my face and get ready for bed. I came back and asked if we could just go to sleep. He was good about it. I went to sleep. It's blurry, but I think he left in the middle of the night, or super early in the morning. That's fine. Usually I would sleep with someone to get over someone else. This time, I just wanted to be alone. I guess I'm really into this no guys thing.
Monday, 13 February 2017
Why I Stopped Dating Altogether
I'm going to do it. I'm going to go 90 days without a date, and I'm starting now.
Ground Rules:
1. No dating.
I can meet people platonically, and go out with them as long as they understand that I am not looking to date anyone.
2. No giving out my number.
I can sleep with someone as long as it is casual, but I do not hand out my number.
Why:
1. I have noticed a pattern. I like him, he likes me, it's going really well, it's going too fast, he's scared off, it's over. The moment it happened again, I knew that I had to stop dating. I saw all my dating experiences all at once, and I knew I was better than that. At first I wondered how it could be happening to me again. But then nothing felt more obvious. Why wouldn't it happen again? It doesn't really make sense for it not to. My behaviors repeat themselves, so why wouldn't events repeat themselves? Suddenly the thought that I could possibly exist without a pattern of behaviour became the only ridiculous thought I'd ever had. So I'm changing something. I'm going dateless.
2. I'm the girl that's dating this guy and that guy, and just hooked up with this other guy, and is going to go out with some new guy later tonight. I don't want to be that girl. I used to be proud that I had a roster of guys. I was even proud of my "kill count." I'm not proud anymore. I'm embarrassed now. I don't want to be dating more than one guy, and I don't want to be dating a new guy so often that my friends can't keep track of their names. My dating life is an amorphous blob. It's fine for some people, but it's become unhealthy for me. See you later, slew of randos!
3. I was on every dating app. That just can't be a good thing. Swiping right until my fingers felt numb, and I had exhausted the dating pool on multiple apps. It takes time (lots of time!) and energy that I would LOVE to spend elsewhere.
4. I want to focus on my energy on my friends and family - not a slew of new guys.
5. I want to face the discomfort of my loneliness, boredom and self-doubt. Dating is a form of escapism, and I think I'm addicted.
So it's happening, and you will hold me accountable! 90 days, starting now. No dates until after May 14th.
I hope that in the end I find that I am more energized, less absent-minded and fiercely independent.
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